goodnight

Sometimes if you can not find the right words to use you can only say "goodnight". Goodnight a promise that tomorrow will be a fresh day. If only to say, one night at a time, please. As people we can only live one day at a time. As a child, I wouldn't be able to sleep thinking of all that had to be done the week at school. I'd try to stay awake as much as possible as if trying to defeat the daunting task of facing the routine of coming and going, 5 days of much of the same with more in between. But the good thing is I never did. When I said goodnight, I was really only facing the next day and then tomorrow the day after that. A day and night as they came, I'd get to fill my dreams with how I got there and what each morning could mean.
I think the same goes with Amanda's passing. I cannot all at once see everything. In life we put up houses in our minds: to feel safe- we build walls, decorate the place we live, and repair until we feel at home. There are small adjustments to be made. So when I left her house for the first time, I did not feel everything. I had my own walls up, slowly they will move, until there is some rest. I walked her room, touched her books and stroked her clothes I trust myself to know these things not tonight but when I am ready to know.
 I said goodnight and hugged when it was right to go.

• Some loved ones do not go to sleep angry with one another, couples may still be upset but even still wish each a good night.
• Some kneel before their prayer books before they crawl into bed 

When  I was young my parents sung this song and in my head it plays. The day before the funeral I did not sleep in my own bed. I did as I did once and crept into my mother's bed. I let myself into that evening. I don't know much of what I will tomorrow. But I know it will be more. It will be a little more.

Until then,

goodnight.

Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,


Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you, but I really must say,

Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight.