Sunday, February 13, 2011

first love

In honor of Valentine's Day tomorrow I say think of your first love.

I've uttered the words so often now in twenty two years, that I try to remind myself the who what where when and how of love. Including how much  I need them, where they come from, and why I will always say them .  I try, which is an adventure in it of itself, to be present in my words, but these words especially.

The phrase "I love you" has been in my vocabulary from the very start. It means like all my first words, almost the same as the ones I learned as a baby: yes, no, thank you, please, more, enough, want, hello, and goodbye.   My parents told me they loved me frequently and this much with arms wide spread.  I grew up in a place where love was honored and affection was given.

I learned good people make more love not just enough and that at the end of the day it was worth it to be that good person.

As a young girl, I remember my first crush on a boy with freckles and light blond hair. I thought of how other girls mentioned boys were  uncool, but I didn't care.  I liked to talk with him and sit nearby.
I thought I would marry him; I thought this is what you do with people you love. You grow up loving them, hug, kiss, and live together.
But I've long since been that girl doting on him during an elementary school class. I've kissed, even dated boys I didn't marry.  We just didn't love each other.  Love is with someone who loves the you, you give back. It sounds so familiar, like a movie or card on Valentine's Day. But is it not true? Is it not what we aspire to?
Confidences waver, marriages may end, friends and family may drift apart but there is always the hope, journey and destination to love and be loved.  People are stronger than you think, there is muscle memory in how we move others, and of course if you believe in the person you are, know you are already loved.

I learned this first from my mother and father, who I can't help but think of when I define the words, use and reuse them. I know that if you sometimes lose them, you can always keep them. 

I love you as if for the first time. I love if  because, please,yes, no, more, sorry, enough, always, be near, thank you, your welcome, stay, go, hello, goodbye, and of course. 

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