Sunday, May 29, 2011

i realized what ive wanted doesnt have to be so far; live in the present tense and take steps where you are

Sunday, May 15, 2011


Sometimes if you can not find the right words to use you can only say "goodnight". Goodnight a promise that tomorrow will be a fresh day. If only to say, one night at a time, please. As people we can only live one day at a time. As a child, I wouldn't be able to sleep thinking of all that had to be done the week at school. I'd try to stay awake as much as possible as if trying to defeat the daunting task of facing the routine of coming and going, 5 days of much of the same with more in between. But the good thing is I never did. When I said goodnight, I was really only facing the next day and then tomorrow the day after that. A day and night as they came, I'd get to fill my dreams with how I got there and what each morning could mean.
I think the same goes with Amanda's passing. I cannot all at once see everything. In life we put up houses in our minds: to feel safe- we build walls, decorate the place we live, and repair until we feel at home. There are small adjustments to be made. So when I left her house for the first time, I did not feel everything. I had my own walls up, slowly they will move, until there is some rest. I walked her room, touched her books and stroked her clothes I trust myself to know these things not tonight but when I am ready to know.
 I said goodnight and hugged when it was right to go.
  • Some loved ones do not go to sleep angry with one another, couples may still be upset but even still wish each a good night.
  • Some kneel before their prayer books before they crawl into bed 
When  I was young my parents sung this song and in my head it plays. The day before the funeral I did not sleep in my own bed. I did as I did once and crept into my mother's bed. I let myself into that evening. I don't know much of what I will tomorrow. But I know it will be more. It will be a little more.
Until then,

Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,

Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,

I hate to leave you, but I really must say,

Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight.

Friday, May 13, 2011

"To die will be an awfully big adventure," Peter Pan
When i was a young girl i had like most girls do, a best friend or a bff. Amanda Michelle Bloom was not only my best friend, she was my first friend. I was honored to grow up with the best person I knew. When we were little, I was short and she was tall. I'd wrap my arms around her like ropes. To keep her there. To feel this protection in our friendship. I was on the inside of love: her jokes, her laughter, her encouragement, everything good. She was the one who held my hand at my father's funeral, the one who helped blow out birthday candles, listened to secrets ear to lips, figured out the teenage woes, and discovered all the things that try as we might, could not be fixed. I grew up to be a strong woman because I grew up with a strong woman. I can't right now in my wondering mind,pick out one moment, one special occasion, but know it happened with her there. And so as I try to imagine a world without her I am both scared and sad. It was such a beautiful place for such a beautiful person.

We used to reference the e.e. cummings poem

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I am just going to have to live the happiest life I can, full of good things and take her with me.

I am still in shock now as I write this. There are so many things to say that may go left unsaid in this. Even as I got in my car and went to Ogden Elementary school where we met in Mrs.C's second grade class, I did so on muscle memory. I was glad that I caught Mrs.C as she was pulling out of the parking lot and grateful she let me in. Still in my clothes from the funeral I felt like Amanda would've liked the tour, sat at the bench where we presented our stories, the green tile of the hallways. She was such a good girl and brilliant. Within those walls, we first became friends and today we there again. I found our 5th grade class picture hanging on the wall her on the high riser and me on the floor. It was just the same and different in the way things change.

I went to the middle school too and spoke with Ms. Nord. She sat with me in the classroom and held my hand. Lies, all lies it felt like as I used whatever words to keep me within the halls. Both teachers were wonderful and I so appreciate them letting me revisit a special place. A place she said I felt safe, because over 12 years I was able to see Amanda consistently shine.  It is a difficult job being a teacher and a friend; you must give your heart to be a good one and let them go. If I become a second grade teacher, I wonder the new friends I will introduce there.

Despite all that I have love and will love apart of me has died. Not with the funeral or the day she passed. But now in letting her be a friend back. She was such a giving person. Even today, a sunny day where children were out playing in the schoolyard. A good weather day to be buried. I sent her once a care package while she was away getting better. In the letter I wrote I told her how I felt about her. No matter how time has changed us, the whens and wheres of what we do or how long since we sat like this together. We truly carried a piece of one another. My piece motivated me to love.

So even though she is no longer here to remind me, I can keep what she gave me. The strength to laugh, think, smile, and believe. I will always always believe in that piece. And I will always believe in my Amanda.

ps livid, hmm, ve-gan, ive, sick, incident, oblivious,loose lips sink ships mission babies, new york times (during temple),  marybeth... among your great list of language

pps thank you and i love you

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The marking of time

It has been almost a year since I graduated from college. I sit here thinking of all that has happened since but more so in the way in which I measure time.  " A year since", "two weeks until", "today is". In those 365 days I've made major changes from jobs to careers, built relationships, traveled states for music, love, adventure, and complex direction. I have celebrated milestones, holidays, and change in general, ran races, stood on a stage and flown the trapeze. I've done little things I've forgotten like cut my hair, seen shows, bundled for the winter, air dried my hair and gone to the beach.
But I notice, that although the way I shape a day has changed since leaving a life I knew for four years, there is something that remains. I still mark my days by things that are important. Moments that wrap me up and make each day another. The milestones that motivate me to be a better person and the ones that remind me to stay true.  Although there is no set schedule of breaks, blitzkriegs of work, and suspense to a degree, I am a practice I bring with me my own practice. A life that fits within my own terms. However daunting and whatever I decide there is a hope in possibility. A flicker of opportunity in believing you can mark time by where you have been and where you'd like to be. I am human in that I change my mind, I say "maybe" , I can feel in between but I do my best and look for what is right for me.  Of course, I will still say "I love you forever" and "has it been a whole year since I saw you last?"  I still realize that time moves quicker than the mind.  I forgive time for being fleeting and even people for leaving me.  It has been almost  14 summers since my father passed in a small white car. 5 Springs since I left high school for bigger things. I wonder how far into the future I will continue to mark this graduation day and these things.

 I am here. X marks the spot of whatever I had been searching for a year ago. I did not know and still don't what this place is called but it exists with me at the core.

Friday, May 6, 2011

life may seem like a candyland game you are sent to the start and it feels bittersweet!

Monday, May 2, 2011

s.o.s. to the world

Last night I sent a message across the Atlantic Sea. A note in a glass
bottle, I offered a hello to whoever finds it. Once before when I was
young I did the same. I had hopes that it would be found across the
ocean maybe to China or another foreign shore. But last night as i
waited for it to hit the water in the windy night I just had hope. It
may go pretty far or may stay 3 feet in the very same sand. But I am
saying like the song I believe and "hope that someone finds my
message in a bottle". Until then, I continue to travel on exploring
and singing along.


Samantha Tuchfeld

Sunday, May 1, 2011