Friday, May 13, 2011

When i was a young girl i had like most girls do, a best friend or a bff. Amanda Michelle Bloom was not only my best friend, she was my first friend. I was honored to grow up with the best person I knew. When we were little, I was short and she was tall. I'd wrap my arms around her like ropes. To keep her there. To feel this protection in our friendship. I was on the inside of love: her jokes, her laughter, her encouragement, everything good. She was the one who held my hand at my father's funeral, the one who helped blow out birthday candles, listened to secrets ear to lips, figured out the teenage woes, and discovered all the things that try as we might, could not be fixed. I grew up to be a strong woman because I grew up with a strong woman. I can't right now in my wondering mind,pick out one moment, one special occasion, but know it happened with her there. And so as I try to imagine a world without her I am both scared and sad. It was such a beautiful place for such a beautiful person.

We used to reference the e.e. cummings poem

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I am just going to have to live the happiest life I can, full of good things and take her with me.

I am still in shock now as I write this. There are so many things to say that may go left unsaid in this. Even as I got in my car and went to Ogden Elementary school where we met in Mrs.C's second grade class, I did so on muscle memory. I was glad that I caught Mrs.C as she was pulling out of the parking lot and grateful she let me in. Still in my clothes from the funeral I felt like Amanda would've liked the tour, sat at the bench where we presented our stories, the green tile of the hallways. She was such a good girl and brilliant. Within those walls, we first became friends and today we there again. I found our 5th grade class picture hanging on the wall her on the high riser and me on the floor. It was just the same and different in the way things change.

I went to the middle school too and spoke with Ms. Nord. She sat with me in the classroom and held my hand. Lies, all lies it felt like as I used whatever words to keep me within the halls. Both teachers were wonderful and I so appreciate them letting me revisit a special place. A place she said I felt safe, because over 12 years I was able to see Amanda consistently shine.  It is a difficult job being a teacher and a friend; you must give your heart to be a good one and let them go. If I become a second grade teacher, I wonder the new friends I will introduce there.

Despite all that I have love and will love apart of me has died. Not with the funeral or the day she passed. But now in letting her be a friend back. She was such a giving person. Even today, a sunny day where children were out playing in the schoolyard. A good weather day to be buried. I sent her once a care package while she was away getting better. In the letter I wrote I told her how I felt about her. No matter how time has changed us, the whens and wheres of what we do or how long since we sat like this together. We truly carried a piece of one another. My piece motivated me to love.

So even though she is no longer here to remind me, I can keep what she gave me. The strength to laugh, think, smile, and believe. I will always always believe in that piece. And I will always believe in my Amanda.

ps livid, hmm, ve-gan, ive, sick, incident, oblivious,loose lips sink ships mission babies, new york times (during temple),  marybeth... among your great list of language

pps thank you and i love you

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